Randomizm
by Little Orange Frog
Summary: This is a collection of random stories that have almost no piont to them, other than randomizm. ;D
1. Grapefruit

**Disclaimer: I sadly cannot claim anything associated with Twilight. I also cannot claim to have an expensive car, a vampire for a boyfriend, or a social life.**

**BPOV **

I woke up just as the silvery white clouds started to form in the sunless sky. I was having another "sleepover" with

Alice. I could hear Emmett's booming laugh downstairs and Alice's high pitched voice rising over the sound of the

television. It sounded like they were arguing. Lately Alice had been unusually tense. I have reason to believe it was

because I refused to let her give me any makeovers. I also would not let her take me shopping for anything besides

groceries. I did feel a little guilty, but not enough to let her redesign my wardrobe. I suddenly realized that Edward

wasn't with me; he was usually here when I woke up. I looked around the room slightly confused. Then I realized

that he must be downstairs. It was probably later than I had originally thought. I jumped out of bed, and rushed

into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. My hair was a chaotic mass of tangles. I swiftly tried to pull the

brush through it and finally got it up into a ponytail. I got dressed hurriedly and raced down the stairs, nearly falling and

cracking my head open on the way. When I got downstairs Alice was dancing on top of the sofa, Emmett had

Jasper backed into the corner, Carlisle and Esme were watching the weather report on TV, and Rosalie was

polishing her hairdryers. Did she have some kind of obsession with her hairdryers? She already had perfect hair. But did

she have that fear of a bad hair day? What was that called? Something phobia? I

scanned the room again, only to find that Edward was not there. I wondered why Alice was dancing on top of the

couch to no music. But the again, that was Alice. I made my way to the kitchen. Esme had graciously stocked the

refrigerator that Alice bought on Ebay with human food. I opened the door to see the shelves overflowing with fruit and

vegetables; there were toaster waffles in the freezer, even thought they didn't have a toaster, and bottles of coke were

stacked on the counter beside the fridge. I picked up what I thought to be a grapefruit and found a knife in the cabinet

closest to the sink. I set the grapefruit on the counter and slammed the knife down hard, breaking through the skin and

sending a spray of citrus juice across the room. Rosalie chuckled darkly as she picked up the paper off the table. I

scowled and turned back to the fruit. I realized it wasn't a grapefruit, but an orange. I finished cutting up the orange and

gently pushed it aside. As I turned back to the fridge I noticed the bowl of grapefruit that was sitting on the table. Rosalie

had gone back to her place on the couch, so I walked over and picked one up. I was pretty sure that this was a grapefruit,

so I took the knife again and brought it down violently, breaking the skin again and sending another spray of juice all over

me, the counter and the floor. I glared at the grapefruit. This was a new shirt. I proceeded to hack violently at it. The juice

and tiny pieces of the peeling flew left and right as I savagely beat the grapefruit to a sticky pulp. A laugh resounded off the

walls behind me, and as I spun around the knife clattered to the floor. Edward stood bent over laughing, the rest of his

family were staring at me shocked. I grinned and picked up the knife off the floor.

"I was hungry so I was cutting up a grapefruit," it came out more as a question than a statement. I picked up what was left

of the fruit and dumped it into the trashcan. I placed the knife in the sink before turning around to look at them. Edward

was still laughing, Carlisle had gone back to watching the TV, but I could see he was shaking his head ever so slightly.

Alice was trying to rescue Jasper from Emmett's iron grasp as he squashed him into a hug, while Rosalie was still

polishing her hairdryers. Edward came over to put his arms around me, and I leaned into him, exhausted from my episode, while Esme suppressed

a giggle. I smiled and headed upstairs to change my shirt, which was now covered beyond recognition in juice. They would

never let me forget the day I murdered an innocent grapefruit.

**This was inspired by my breakfast this morning. **

**  
All I wanted was a grapefruit, but no. ****Hope you enjoyed it.**

My friend helped me with this, and would be upset if I took all the credit.

**Guess she'll have to be upset. **

**  
;D**


	2. Bella's Plea

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I do not own an expensive car. I do not own the rights to Gucci's bank accounts either. All I own is an outdated computer and a worn copy of Stephanie Meyer's works of literary genius. **

_Bella, Edward, Alice, and Carlisle are sitting in the Cullen's living room. Carlisle is watching the news, Alice is debating the finer points of Gucci with Edward, and Bella is daydreaming._

**Alice:** Everyone knows that Gucci's summer '08 scarf collection is much better than the Chenille summer '08 scarf collection.

**Edward:** What is the point of a scarf collection in the summer? Summer is usually hot, unless you live in the southern

hemisphere.

**Alice**: Bella, tell my ignorant brother that scarves can be worn in the summer for fashionable purposes.

**Bella**: What? Are we going shopping again? Carlisle, PLEASE don't make me go back!

**Carlisle:** Bella, no one is making you go shopping.

**Bella: **Thank you, thank you, thank you!

**Edward:** Don't look so upset Alice. Bella isn't your life size doll.

**Alice:** Edward if you criticize me one more time, I'm gonna-

**Edward:** I wasn't criticizing; I was pointing out the truth.

**Alice:** I will scratch every one of your CDs if you do not get off my case!

**Carlisle:** Don't argue children. Alice, apologize for being rude.

**Alice:** Sorry. I'll only mess up your favorite CDs instead of all of them.

**Carlisle:** Edward, apologize for being antagonistic.

**Edward:** Sorry. I just can't bear the thought of Alice being so wrapped up in her own little fantasies that she would start

lying to herself.

**Alice:** At least I can come up with a decent comeback.

**Edward:** That's your idea of a decent comeback? "I'll only mess up your favorite CDs instead of all of them."

**Carlisle:** Edward, what did I tell you about being antagonistic?

**Alice:** Bella, I'm sorry that your fiancé has anxiety, anger, and apparently antagonistic issues.

**Bella:** What?

**Edward:** Alice is trying to be funny. She should really do standup comedy. Though, her crowd needs to have a lower IQ level, so that they understand.

**Alice:** Ha, ha. Very funny. You know what's even funnier? You, when you try to make up a decent comeback.

**Edward:** See Carlisle, I told you I have a sense of humor. Alice thinks I'm funny. _(Alice reaches up and slaps Edward repaetedly)_

**Carlisle:** Enough. Alice, can you please stop slapping Edward in the head.

**Alice:** Okay. His brain's already mush anyway.

**Edward: **Is that the best you can come up with?

**Alice:** Edward, is that line the only comeback you know?

**Edward:** Even if it was, it seems to be aggravating you.

**Alice:** Stop smiling or else! _(She snarls at Edward)_

**Edward:** Or else what?

_Jasper walks through the door, sees Alice standing on the coffee table about to attack Edward, shakes his head and comes to sit on the couch._

**Jasper**: Is there any particular reason that you're standing on the coffee table, Alice?

**Edward:** She can't think of a better comeback than "Your brain is mush" so she decided to use violence against me.

**Carlisle:** Alice, can you please get off the coffee table?

**Alice:** But, but….

**Carlisle:** I'm not getting in the middle of this again. Edward, stop sticking your tongue out at Alice. Alice, get off the furniture.

**Jasper:** I'm out of here.

**Bella:** Hey! ... There's no furniture under the bed!

_Everyone stares at Bella for a moment, and then Jasper runs upstairs. Edward raises his eyebrows and Alice stops jumping on the couch._

**Carlisle:** Are you okay, Bella?

**Bella:** Um…. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

**Edward: **Alice, how much caffeine did you give her?

**Alice:** Um, a couple liters of coke.

**Edward:** How many liters of coke?

**Alice:** Seven?...Eight?...Twenty, maybe? I lost ocunt after nine.

**Edward:** What?!

**Bella:** Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

**Alice:** Oops?_ (she runs out of the room)_

**Bella:** …JUST DON'T TAKE ME SHOPPING!!

**I know this is random, but maybe it'll make you laugh. **

**I would like to thank Warrioroftheseventhstar for helping me revise it. **

**;D**


	3. Toast

Disclaimer: I own nothing

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. –sob-**

**JPOV**

I was sitting on the couch, quietly watching a civil war documentary on TV. They had so many vital facts backwards that I

almost couldn't watch it. Rosalie and Alice were polishing hairdryers, Carlisle was at the hospital, Esme was at Home Depot,

picking up supplies to fix the wall Emmett had broken, and Edward and Bella were at Charlie's house. There was only one

other. Emmett. I didn't know where he was, and I probably didn't want to. He was by far the weirdest and scariest being I

knew. Emmett is hardly ever mad. He is always cheerfully stupid. He likes to play tea party and patty-cake, and dollies. I

shuddered involuntarily. I didn't want to remember the last tea party we had had. It had scarred me for existence. Alice had

come too late. By the time she had gotten there, I was already having another emotional meltdown. Rosalie had called me a

pansy. I remember sitting in the closet for three days afterward. I remember the time Emmett had painted my room black,

and the time he forced me to sing Christmas carols in July in the parking lot of the Thriftway.

I quickly pushed all of those awful memories out of my head. It never did me any good to relive the terror filled horrors

Emmett inflicted on me. Alice's clear voice cut through my twisted thoughts.

"Jasper, come help us polish hairdryers." I rose from my place in the living room and made my way to the kitchen where they  
sat. I sat down next to Alice and picked up the hairdryer closest to me. It was blue with orange polka-dots. A polka-dotted

hairdryer?

"I had it specially made Jasper. Be careful no to drop it." Rosalie said, judging my thoughts by the look on my face, I

suppose. Like I was enough of a klutz to actually drop the thing. That was something Bella would do, not me. I was the most  
non-klutzy person I knew.

"Boo!" I had spaced out again, so I was unaware that someone was behind me. I shrieked, and the hairdryer slipped from

my grasp. Rosalie was suddenly ready to kill me, Alice's eyes were wide as she tried to calm Rose, orange and blue shards

covered the floor around our feet, and Emmett stood behind me laughing.

"You are toast, man! You are burnt toast with jam, dude! Rosy is so gonna kill you! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" I whirled around

shocked and furious at the sole idiot who could turn the most non-klutzy being in the universe into a total klutz. I took a

step toward my enemy, my most hated enemy. The enemy I hated so very much. He laughed again.

"I gotta go, see ya'll later," he said as he ran out the door. Before I had a chance to follow him, I felt a stone cold hand

tighten around my neck. Rosalie was looking at me with malice in her eyes. She dragged me upstairs and strapped me to her  
vanity. I realized too soon that I was in for the most awful; kind of torture you can imagine. Actually, you don't want to

imagine it. She turned on Alice then. Her voice was thick with menace.

"Alice, you are going to leave now. You are going to go sit on the sofa until I release Jasper, and you are not going to help

him escape his punishment for breaking

my hairdryer. Got it?" her voice implied that if Alice tried to help me, the same fate would befall her. She shot me a pitying

glance as she left the room. Rosalie turned on me then, a bottle of goo that was marked as foundation in her left hand, and

a powder compact on the other. She smiled wickedly as she narrowed in on her victim. I had to say that a tea party with

Emmett didn't seem so bad now.

# later #

Rosalie had just snapped the twelfth picture of me. How many did she possibly need? So what if I was wearing a pink

miniskirt over my jeans and knee high go-go boots? It didn't matter that I had all kinds of make-up on, or that my hair had a

butterfly clip in it. The one thing she couldn't take from me was my dignity. As long as it didn't matter to me, my dignity was

still intact. She was probably going to keep the pictures until the next time she needed to blackmail me. I could deal with

that. I had been in the Civil War. Bullets had flown in my direction. I had been in the vampire wars of the South. New-born

vampires had tried to kill me on several occasions. I could deal with the wrath of Rosalie. Maybe. With the camera in her

hand she untied me and raced downstairs. I yanked off the hideously vintage clothes that covered up my incredibly cool

outfit and followed suit. Too late I realized that I had forgotten about the horrible mask of make-up that covered

my pale face. At least she hadn't painted my nails. I hurried back upstairs, despite Alice's giggles, and scrubbed at my skin

furiously. When I was sure I had removed all traces of the awfully torturous weapon that had been unleashed on me, I went  
back downstairs. Alice was still on the couch, but Edward and Bella sat next to her now. Carlisle and Esme were standing

near the TV, and the blonde queen of cruelty was typing away at the computer. It dawned on me that she was

dispersing my pictures on the internet. My eyes grew wide as it sunk in. My social life was officially over. She was probably

emailing it to every werewolf in a 100 mile radius. My dignity was officially crushed. My eyes got wider still when I heard a

stupidly cheerful voice behind me.

"You are toast. You are burnt toast. You are so burnt. She's probably emailing that picture to every werewolf in a 200 mile

radius." I growled at Emmett.

"And Mike Newton," Edward's words cut my growl short. My dignity was crippled beyond repair. My eye started twitching; it was all over now.

"Relax, pansy," Emmett chuckled darkly. "You are toast." And then Emmett started to sing. It was the most disturbing thing I  
had **ever** witnessed. He jumped up and down as his booming voice shook the house.

_You should feel like toast, should feel like toast, should feel like toast._

_Do you feel like toast, feel like toast, feel like toast?_

_I feel like toast, I feel like toast, I feel like toast._

_I feel like jam, I feel like jam, I feel like jam. _

_You should feel like toast, should feel like toast, should feel like toast!_

Everyone stared, awestruck. No one moved, and no one breathed; not even Bella. Then we all started laughing. Edward had  
to remind Bella to breath, she was laughing so hard. I projected stupidly cheerful emotions to those around me.

The next day though, I received some very smug emails from certain vampires that are now on my hit list. Rosalie acted

innocent, like nothing had happened. I cornered Emmett outside in the garage after the sun rose. I smiled, but did nothing.

Then, out of the blue I screamed.

"Rosalie, come quick! Emmett is hurting you car!" I thrust a wrench into his huge hands. Emmett turned to see a scratch

down the length of her car where I had messed up the paint jod earlier. He was a goner and her knew it. I had revenge at

last!  
**  
MMMMWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !**

Rosalie was fuming. Smoke was blowing out of her nose and ears. I walked back inside to retrieve my bowl of popcorn. I sat

back and watched my dear sister do the dirty work for me. I quietly hummed under my breath:

_You should feel like toast, should feel like toast, should feel like toast._

_Do you feel like toast, feel like toast, feel like toast?_

_I feel like toast, I feel like toast, I feel like toast._

_I feel like jam, I feel like jam, I feel like jam. _

_You should feel like toast, should feel like toast, should feel like toast._

**I had soooo much fun writing this. Yes, the toast song is real. I made it up yesterday. We were playing a board game**

when some body said "I'm toast". I had had too much caffeine, so I started singing, "I feel like toast, I feel like toast, I

feel like toast!" I was soooo hyper! OMG! I love every one who is going to review. That WILL be everyone, right?

Right.

**;D**


End file.
